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“I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx 19. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.” – Bo Burnham 20. got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright 21.“I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.’ – Unknown 22.“The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown 25. “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper 46.“Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown 26. In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson 47. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor 50.“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg 5.
“I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” -Homer Simpson 9. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. ' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)Never go to bed mad. (Phyllis Diller) Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, my wife, new to boating was having a problem.He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” – Unknown 27. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis 35. “There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope 48. “The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce 51. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno 54. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld 56. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers 57.